


My Venting Journal (Advice is welcomed)

by w6rship



Category: Vent - Fandom
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Gaslighting, Insomnia, I’m tired, Mental Help, Opinions, Other, Therapy, dont be mean i want to be better, ranting, religious trauma, venting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:28:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 2,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26081950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/w6rship/pseuds/w6rship
Summary: this is not a fanfic, this is real situations and emotions i am feeling and i am in desperate need of help but i don’t want to ask for a therapist. nobody is obligated to comment advice, you don’t have to and you don’t have to feel guilty if you don’t want to, i’m just lowkey tired of carryingherproblems on my back everyday and night.TW:cursinggaslightingreligious traumachild abuseinsomniasicknesstoxic relationshipsbad mindsetsother things idk
Comments: 9
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

i feel sad. i don’t know why. ew. 

i think like if i feel anything i am considered weak. i don’t have any valid reason to think that way. idk. i don’t want to be weak. i really only feel very negative emotions, not much of anything else. idk. when i came out and it backfired i think i just started to think that emotions were bad, horrid, things. 

they aren’t. 

but i cant feel anything most days and i don’t know if i hate it or i am thankful.


	2. Chapter 2

i feel like a terrible person and a terrible friend and a terrible sister i just want the best for the people i love but i feel like i don’t show it enough and i try to show it but it’s really hard because i have trouble with feelings but then i feel like i’m making excuses and that i’m just an absolute bitch because of it and yeah fsck i also feel sicj and ii am just really tired and yeah ii dontn know


	3. Chapter 3

i feel so sick rn the thought of even eating anything makes me want to throw up


	4. Chapter 4

i feel empty and sad.


	5. Chapter 5

i deleted 30 chapters from this because my sister got ao3 LOL

if you’re seeing this hi jordyn uh. anyways.


	6. Chapter 6

my eyes are literally burning with how tired i am but i can’t sleep. it’s so hard just to fall asleep because sometimes i think about things to hard and i over analyze and my intrusive thoughts get really bad and i’m tired. i feel empty but i also feel a lot of things at the same time, and my eyes really hurt ahd i’m tired. i’m repeating myself but who gives a damn this is my vent for a reason. i’m tired. i’m not getting any better. i’m not getting over any of my fears and bad habits.im not becoming a better person in fact i feel terrible. i just want to be enough and i just want to be and feel like i am loved by my family idk i just try to be there but i’m pretty sure i’m not even liked. i. just tired. idk. my grandparents don’t say it to my face, but i can tell they are still judging me. i’m sorry i’m the faggot child. i’m sorry. i don’t know who i’m currently apologizing to, but i’m sorry. idk. i just want to be enough. i don’t want to be judged for something that i can’t control. and my siblings make fun of my tics. they’re getting worse then they were a few months ago. i’m not diagnosed with anything. but i still can’t control it. i don’t want to be judged. i’m tired. i just want to be enough and be able to properly process emotions. but i’m really tired. of a lot of things. i might be neurodivrgent, i probably am, but i don’t want to be diagnosed with anything because i’d be judged more. it’s like the world stuck it’s middle finger up at me and said fuck you. but then i feel bad for feeling these things because people have if worse then me and i’m just complaining about these things? i feel like a terrible person. i’m not enough. i’m tired. i’m not okay. it feels like i’m moving from someone else’s eyes sometimes. sometimes when i close my eyes it feels like my surroundings are getting bigger then i am. sometimes i stand still for so long in one spot staring so hard that everything because extremely shadowy/saturated and idk i’m tired. everything’s to hot. i don’t like it when it’s hot. idk why. i don’t like it hot. i like taking showers because it’s time consuming, that’s one of the times i like things hot. sometimes it’s nice to have the hot water on me. but wet hair makes my skin red and i don’t like that. but i feel really hot rn. and i’m tired. ew. i hate things. idk what things are. but i hate them, i’m tired. 


	7. Chapter 7

i keep ignoring angelina. idk why. but i don’t have anything that i want to say about her. she keeps on saying she hates me. i hate me to, don’t worry. we’re drifting and i don’t feel like doing anything about it. i feel terrible about it. but i can’t find it in myself to care that much. i’m just tired. she hates me, and i’m ok with it for now. for now. maybe i won’t be but for now i guess it’s ok. i don’t have the energy in me to talk to her. i don’t really want to. or have to, logistically. i know she doesn’t want to talk to me. i don’t hate her tho. i don’t know why she hates me. it’s whatever tho. she leaves me on read and i don’t respond to her for hours. that’s just how things are now. i’m really tired. i’m obviously not enough or doing enough but i don’t feel like doing anything about it. 

***

i feel like i’m getting boring. to boring for everyone. not enough. i’m getting basic. i’m not interesting anymore. i’m tired. and boring, bland, basic. i’m not like most people but i am uninteresting. i feel like the only reason my writing does well is because of my own demise and/or experiences. and that’s ok, most of my writing is vent-fics, but if i stop feeling much of anything then what would i do? idk. i’m overthinking things. it’s whatever. i’m tired. i feel empty. my eyes are burning because i’m so tired but i’m freaked out that something is watching me. im tired. i can’t sleep.

***

death terrified me. in the chapters i deleted i’ve mentioned this. i’m so scared of dying. i can’t sleep at night because of it, sometimes. all because of my shit head homiphobic grandparents. idk. 

i get mad and sad when anyone judges me because of them, because of what they made me feel. only a few people who i know in real life know what happened. but anyone judging me now makes me feel angry and icky. i don’t like being judged but i’m not enough. i’m not good enough. i hate death. i don’t ever want to die. it makes me feel sick thinking about it. i don’t want to go to hell. i dont. i’m good. i try to be. i try. i try so hard. i dont want to die. i want to live. i don’t want to go to hell. i want to go to heaven. i am so scared. i am scared. i feel empty. i’m tired. i’m scared. it’s so hot in here. the silence is fucking loud as hell. every little sound is so amplified. i’m tired. i feel like i’m just existing. i’m tired. i’m updating this fic to much. that shouldn’t matter tho it’s my vent but it does. 

and jordyn if you’re reading these don’t fucking bring this up idk but i guess you know i’m gay now. it doesn’t matter i think you already knew. but i’m serious. if you’re reading this, it isn’t your place to tell anyone about this. this is not you’re trauma to tell, ok? i’m not trying to be mean. but understand that. ik i act like i’m like tough and shit and i don’t show any vulnerable or emotions in front of you but i am human and shit so yeah idk. just don’t bring it up. this is a safe place for me to express— safely— how i feel so don’t go telling people. again, i’m not trying to be mean, but just don’t.


	8. Chapter 8

life sucks lol i don’t want to die but existing feels like a chore i’m just tired


	9. Chapter 9

my family actually hates me i don’t know why but 8 can’t stop feeling like they do. am i to mean. i don’t think i’m to mean. but i wouldn’t know. i never know, i’m never good enough, i’m always doing something wrong. im so fucking weird i understand why everyone hates me i’d understand if they said it to my face. i understand. i don’t know exactly what i’m doing/done but i know i haven’t been the best. i understand. what i don’t understand is why i have to fill up all these expectations unspokenly set out for me. for the past years i’ve been excelling in things and i feel like if i don’t continue to do everyone will be disappointed in me. i’m tired of it all tho. life? trying to be there for people who don’t want it? i’m fucking tired of this shir i know i’m not good enough i know everyone else is better liked then me i know i’m not that smart i know i’m not funny i know i’m weird i know i’m annoying i know i take things to seriously i know. i fucking know. i just want to be enough but i also want everyone to fuck off idk. it’s so hard. 

***

i don’t think anyone understands. everyone makes fun of me for having to ask explicitly for parental permission but i have my fucking reasons. i am so scared to defy authority because it’s been drilled into me that i’ll go to hell if i sin by my grandparents. it makes me so scared and i wil, freak out if i don’t have permission to do something. it’s for my fucking well-being but people just have to fucking take jabs at me for it for no reason. they don’t know shit about my life. they don’t know fucking shit but for some reason people think they’re entitled to make fun of me for things i can’t control. i’m so fucking sorry that i am terrified of dying and going to hell because i sinned, but it’s not my fucking fault. i just want to be fucking normal. i just want to be enough. i don’t want to go to hell. i don’t fucking want to rot there for eternity. but now it’s a constant fear I have because of my homophobic fucking grandparents. this shir has been festering since i came out in 2018. all because they decided to tell me that god doesn’t like it and gays go to hell and i should dump those feelings in the ocean. they fucking said that to me and it had consequences. am i ever gonna fucking be good enough? i’m tired of entitled motherfucker i’m tired of living i’m tired of being there. 

j want to be a better person but i’m to tired to try anymore. i’ve tried before. it didn’t work out. i tried to be better for _her_ and it wasn’t fucking good enough and now i’m tired of it. 

***

i hate being feminized. i cant tell my family but everytime someone refers to me with anything remotely female i want to rip my skin off and gouge my eyes out it makes me so uncomfortable and i feel so gross and icky. please don’t refer to me as female. i want to cry. i am not a young women i am a fucking child. it makes me so so uncomfortable. i am not a girl. i’m not. i’m fucking nonbinary and ofc i can’t tell their asses that they’ll be disappointed but whenever someone calls me female i etc i feel so disgusting. it makes me want to cry. fuckers have the audacity to try and be homophobic to me but they won’t ever fucking uhdertsand the consequences of trying to be who they are. i’m sorry that i’m like this. idk who i’m apologizing to. but i’m tired. 


	10. Chapter 10

haha 

i hate life.

it sucks 

shit doesn’t get better i’m just spiraling into a whole of terror for no reason at all and i have to pretend like i’m ok because people fucking suck and nobody would care if i did tell them anything no one i know in real life respects me as a person i’m just done with everything idk.


End file.
